The world’s a lot nicer when you’re not mad at it.
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood
Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my father could
Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday I’m all but cooked
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
I’m 13 again am I 13 for good?
I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind
Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and I’m deflated
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and I’m devastated
When will you stop leaving?
When will I stop deserting?
When will I start staying with myself?
Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me
He rests his head on the steering wheel While the car is running
The rain outside pounds the beat of a strange funk
He’s tired of the disco.
Outside lights spin blood red and Christmas tree green with an occasional yellow
The yellow doesn’t visit much anymore
We’ve forgotten how to slow down We’ve become too busy swaying round the puddle graced floor.
The time is five and the morning fog hasn’t lifted a lazy finger except to shake me awake.
I’m here, sitting on the shower floor Watching the light pour in from
Behind the rippled glass of a frameless door
The water forms a fall when my palm sides kiss and my wrists are attached at the hip
I know they’re right outside
Sleeping soundly in the warmth of their blankets
Times like this their laughter lingers But the whole world empties except for myself
And this running water
Everything is beyond me
In a thunderstorm of beauty
I’m tired of the disco
But he assures me
We can leave
That this will require patience
It’s important just to breathe
So I do
The world is alive again.
Don’t be attached to the past.
Don’t be attached to possessions.
Don’t be attached to an identity.
Don’t be attached to a place.
Don’t be attached to a person, “my mom, my brother, my friend, my boyfriend,” they aren’t
yours” they are their own.
Don’t be attached to life, or a religion, or a philosophy.
Things change, people change, life changes, these things are not permanent, they have a time limit, be happy to appreciate them they they’re there for you’ll have to eventually let them go.
And in death don’t tell them don’t go, if anyone ever has to take on their own path they have to go, and if you love them you’ll be happy for them, not create more pain out of selfishness.
Things are liable to change.
They’ll go, they’ll come, let it be.
Hands grasped mine- then gave way
Something I tried so hard to not dread
Unfolded and then folded again
To be re-opened, peaked at every now and then.
I’m not sure what I’m doing here with
my hands held back out
history repeating itself
Somewhere where that brain ticks in an upperhanded manner
On the face of a clock where all it seems is well
Peace will set itself in
and just like clockwork
These anxious feet take off running
distant and saddened at the dull grey matter of fact that…
I’ve abandoned all hope before giving anything a shot
All out of sorry’s.
In order to relieve the pain of regret, I have to first forgive myself, in order to do that I have to journey within and find the salvation to do so-God resides there, and so many other places.
But in order to change I need to develop discipline. Where does discipline derive from?
I don’t know.
I’ll check under my bed, maybe The Boogie Man has it…
When I was in program they had this thing you did before every meal called an intent check. Before making a choice or acting on an impulse you’d check whether you intentions were geared towards weight loss or not.
One of the psychologists asked us to check our intentions everyday. And that made me wonder what kind of person I’d be at the end of the day, if I checked my intentions towards all of my actions, in life in general. By nightfall I came to realize I wasn’t too happy with who I’d been. All these years, there was so much intent going in to gaining constant acceptance of others. People do cruel, uncaring, and selfish things to gain acceptance, merely so that they might give themselves permission to love and accept themselves.
Sometimes I still feel as if I owe the world but am out of cash. It’s times like these I notice how much materialism comes to play in this world- I can only offer, at many points, what skills and strength I’ve attained through my own screw ups. I an psycho-analyze, I can listen, I can give affection, I can open my arms and be empathetic, but sometimes i don’t feel that this world recognizes that as real wealth at all.
Who do we change ourselves into, what lies do we conjure and abide by to feel loved? We create a false self and are made prisoners by what others perceive us to be.
Time is ticking. It goes so fast .
Where will I be in 5 years when 5 years feels like now?
In the fall of your younger years
I’m sure your locks would lay golden brown against your rose painted cheeks
And the sound of your singing voice challenged with the wind
A contest of finer breath.
But a long time has passed since then and your eye sockets tinted with green have fallen low
You slump down in a leather chair,
Taken by forty winks and deprived of your once youthful glow
And I suddenly feel like I’m a different person
The chaos I would go through just to set you free,
I’m torn between praying for your tortured soul to be free and for your stubborn spirit to live another day.
For your crooked hands have withered away
And the pain in your gaze pulls the might from within my knees.
I don’t know what you did to make your progeny regard you like this
It’s as if karma has chosen to tease you by withholding deaths saccharine kiss
Why don’t they come to your side or beam for you?
Is it why you’ve chosen me to learn by heart, I don’t know.
But if it’s something I’m to do that you’re waiting for
Know that time has made it safe for you to go.
All my walls have fallen down
In a crumbled pile at my feet
And my winter’s gaze has given way to warmth,
It’s safe for you to slip into sleep.