I realized, I hadn’t written on here in a while…and before I started compiling random words in my head and shoveling them out onto a screen with a blinking black line I went over my archives. I wanted to see how I’d changed my thinking.
I was really angry for a long time over the way I was at heart. I’d punish myself for having an unconditional faith in people, I thought it useless, at the time. I was rather fond of seeing myself as a victim of abuse and repressed memories, back them I thought I needed saving. I was weak, back then, but had potential of strength. We all do, I believe-have potential.
I was wrecked last year. Everything I had pushed into the closet for the past 23 years, fell out and onto my head when I opened it to find myself again (again?) and I acted out.
In the month of November, I think I was dating three people at once while going to school, editing the paper and working just to keep my mind busy. I was terrified of myself I wanted to stay numbed so I could be heartless and cruel, I wasn’t always this way, over time I just lost faith in people, because I thought everyone was bitter, unjust and disposable.
I took up a bet on this customer with a co-worker, and I won it but I accidently stumbled, I just wasn’t expecting to end up caring. He was openly everything that I was at my core, everything I was trying not to be because it hurt too much to be it, because I was afraid to be it, but he wore it with strength and peace of mind and heart.
At first I was embittered by this, this someone who could be all I was when I failed to do so, because I was weak or seemingly inable. But nonetheless if he could do it I could- being true, good intentioned, spiritual, compassionate, and strange was possible, being myself was possible.
I just shattered, I broke. And it inspired me to soul search, and I did, and I found what I was looking for, after he had went his own way, and I went mine, I completed myself. I’m more at peace than I’ve ever been. Helping people is suddenly possible. Doing God’s work is possible; the ability to love others creates the possibiliy to complete acts of love and kindness.
But now I’m dead frightened, if I open up to anyone else, what if they end up trying to use me or decieve me and my faith in others faulters again? I’ve become far too fond of myself, to let that happen. I can’t have that for my faith in others has already been worn out and used up. I’m worried if it burns up again it won’t come back. The only way I can effectively help people seems to be from a distance,
These days I carry my headphones everywhere, I read, write, and draw people but ultimately tune them out; it’s being 7-years-old all over again. I like observing from a far, when I smile no one really knows the extent of the fondness that I’m feeling nor the depth in which I am thinking, and so it’s secured.
I don’t feel like anyone here really gets me, but I don’t feel like I can effectively show myself either, not yet. The best way I can express myself is through the blinking line, and when I stops I use humor as a wall again, save the intelligence need for exploration and diabolical introspect for myself.
I don’t want to let anyone in. I want to keep me to myself, this time. It’s too fragile, I’m too afraid, see it’s the pretty things that are always getting broken. I’ll lock it all away inside instead. It’s safer there, I’m happy that way.
I can breathe.