Don’t be attached to the past.

Don’t be attached to possessions.

Don’t be attached to an identity.

Don’t be attached to a place.

Don’t be attached to a person, “my mom, my brother, my friend, my boyfriend,” they aren’t
yours” they are their own.

Don’t be attached to life, or a religion, or a philosophy.

Things change, people change, life changes, these things are not permanent, they have a time limit, be happy to appreciate them they they’re there for you’ll have to eventually let them go.

And in death don’t tell them don’t go, if anyone ever has to take on their own path they have to go, and if you love them you’ll be happy for them, not create more pain out of selfishness.

Things are liable to change.

They’ll go, they’ll come, let it be.

Hands grasped mine- then gave way

Something I tried so hard to not dread

Unfolded and then folded again

To be re-opened, peaked at every now and then.

I’m not sure what I’m doing here with

my hands held back out

awe-sticken at

history repeating itself

Somewhere where that brain ticks in an upperhanded manner

On the face of a clock where all it seems is well

Peace will set itself in

and just like clockwork

These anxious feet take off running

blind

mad

distant and saddened at the dull grey matter of fact that…

I’ve abandoned all hope before giving anything a shot

I’ve been

All out of sorry’s.

The Ten Month Rewind

I wanted to be the north star in your sky

The one we

couldn’t find that night

Stargazing in the midnight; so many months back they almost spill over the count on my ten fingers and toes.

I wanted to teach you how to soar across the silver crescent in the autumn sky,

The blood in my heart broke a vessel working hard to try and help you see that you might get it down right,

Because I felt indebited to you for delivering me from a more broken state of mind,

I soared with heavy wings all the way up there

but a feathers length away from where gravity could reach me no more,

Then I started to fall,

And as the land neared my weatherwithered exterior

You withdrew the arms you promised in which to catch me with

Since then it’s never been the same-

You ask me to teach you how to fly,

You tell me you want to sit on the moon and talk with the stars

The countless times I’ve considered-have only resulted in countless times of taking another daring step away in a different direction.

I know that keeping my feet planted here next to you gives you a sense of possibility and light, a lovely thing to uncover-

But inside me stars are dimming,

A taking of florescence with an unpromising return.

There is an error which comes with a reliance upon wishes;

Wishes so often refuse to come true.

So here is the beforehand, “I’m sorry” for walking away.

In order to relieve the pain of regret, I have to first forgive myself, in order to do that I have to journey within and find the salvation to do so-God resides there, and so many other places.

But in order to change I need to develop discipline. Where does discipline derive from?

I don’t know.

I’ll check under my bed, maybe The Boogie Man has it…

When I was in program they had this thing you did before every meal called an intent check. Before making a choice or acting on an impulse you’d check whether you intentions were geared towards weight loss or not.

One of the psychologists asked us to check our intentions everyday. And that made me wonder what kind of person I’d be at the end of the day, if I checked my intentions towards all of my actions, in life in general. By nightfall I came to realize I wasn’t too happy with who I’d been. All these years, there was so much intent going in to gaining constant acceptance of others. People do cruel, uncaring, and selfish things to gain acceptance, merely so that they might give themselves permission to love and accept themselves.

Sometimes I still feel as if I owe the world but am out of cash. It’s times like these I notice how much materialism comes to play in this world- I can only  offer, at many points, what skills and strength I’ve attained through my own screw ups. I an psycho-analyze, I can listen, I can give affection, I can open my arms and be empathetic, but sometimes i don’t feel  that this world recognizes that as real wealth at all.

Who do we change ourselves into, what lies do  we conjure and abide by to feel loved? We create a false self and are made  prisoners by what others perceive us to  be.

Time is ticking. It goes so fast .

Where will I  be in 5 years when 5 years feels like now?

Away.

In the fall of your younger years

I’m sure your locks would lay golden brown against your rose painted cheeks

And the sound of your singing voice challenged with the wind

A contest of finer breath.

But a long time has passed since then and your eye sockets tinted with green have fallen low

You slump down in a leather chair,

Taken by forty winks and deprived of your once youthful glow

And I suddenly feel like I’m a different person

The chaos I would go through just to set you free,

I’m torn between praying for your tortured soul to be free and for your stubborn spirit to live another day.

For your crooked hands have withered away

And the pain in your gaze pulls the might from within my knees.

I don’t know what you did to make your progeny regard you like this

It’s as if karma has chosen to tease you by withholding deaths saccharine kiss

Why don’t they come to your side or beam for you?

Is it why you’ve chosen me to learn by heart, I don’t know.

But if it’s something I’m to do that you’re waiting for

Know that time has made it safe for you to go.

All my walls have fallen down

In a crumbled pile at my feet

And my winter’s gaze has given way to warmth,

It’s safe for you to slip into sleep.

Please,

It’s safe

be free.

2-27

I forgot how muh easier it is to type rather than write in pen.

A few things I’m learning to learn about people:

1. Passive aggressive people are afraid. They’re afraid of two things: 1. Confrontation 2. Facing what someone else might think of them, i.e. not being accepted or liked.

2. When someone ignores you, the action is ruled by one of two things: 1. They don’t feel like talking. 2. They’re acting out passive-aggressively on a situation.

3. Not being dependent on any form of acceptance defeats the point of passive-aggression, and the negative feelings associated with it.

4. Crazy people aren’t crazy. They’re interesting. Hell, they’re better at being real than most people are. The guy sitting next to me right now? He writes things on paper over and over and over again. Then he reads, all day…but I like him. (not romantically but) I think he knows that- he overheard me defending him against one of my co-workers when she was talking shit on him…but just in case he isn’t aware, I’m going to tap his shoulder and tell him I think he’s awesome before I leave.

I hope I don’t get stabbed.

If I do I’ll probably still like him. He’s different and I think it’s funny when he looks over at my screen to try to see what I’m writing.  Like right…now.

5. There are people ruled primarily by their desires and people ruled primarily by their morality. While you probably shouldn’t shut anyone out completely, it’s important to know which is which to protect your own spiritual well-being. Often someone can be conflicted, and ruled by both. They stick out like sore thumbs. Try to empathize with them.

6. I haven’t really come to terms with whether or not first impressions matter or not, but what I’ve thought for a long time is that, when you first meet someone they show you who they think other people want to see. Those faulty parts, the parts that are acted out but not real, are often just the opposite than what they really are.

Many of us strive to be genuine, we really do, but the whole need for acceptance part is a bitch to get rid of, and until we can rid ourselves of it our true forms can seem…indistinguishable.

7. No one is perfect. Those who believe they are are just really good at being in complete denial.

8.  The entire U.S. Food Industry makes a shit ton of money on dieting. Studies show those who diet with a restrictive mentality actually end up overeating then dwelling on it. The fact of the matter is they had geared their brains up to deal with a shortage of something. Then there are those who are just really good at not eating at all out of complete fear of further self-hatred? Those people are just reeeeeally bitchy all of the time.

Have you SEEN the Snickers commercials? Hunger changes people man. They make them morph into Barbara Steisand or Britney Spears on crack cocaine. No joke.

I realized, I hadn’t written on here in a while…and before I started compiling random words in my head and shoveling them out onto a screen with a blinking black line I went over my archives. I wanted to see how I’d changed my thinking.

I was really angry for a long time over the way I was at heart. I’d punish myself for having an unconditional faith in people, I thought it useless, at the time. I was rather fond of seeing myself as a victim of abuse and repressed memories, back them I thought I needed saving. I was weak, back then, but had potential of strength. We all do, I believe-have potential.

I was wrecked last year. Everything I had pushed into the closet for the past 23 years, fell out and onto my head when I opened it to find myself again (again?) and I acted out.

In the month of November, I think I was dating three people at once while going to school, editing the paper and working just to keep my mind busy. I was terrified of myself I wanted to stay numbed so I could be heartless and cruel, I wasn’t always this way, over time I just lost faith in people, because I thought everyone was bitter, unjust and disposable.

I took up a bet on this customer with a co-worker, and I won it but I accidently stumbled, I just wasn’t expecting to end up caring. He was openly everything that I was at my core, everything I was trying not to be because it hurt too much to be it, because I was afraid to be it, but he wore it with strength and peace of mind and heart.

At first I was embittered by this, this someone who could be all I was when I failed to do so, because I was weak or seemingly inable. But nonetheless if he could do it I could- being true, good intentioned, spiritual, compassionate, and strange was possible, being myself was possible.

I just shattered, I broke. And it inspired me to soul search, and I did, and I found what I was looking for, after he had went his own way, and I went mine, I completed myself. I’m more at peace than I’ve ever been. Helping people is suddenly possible. Doing God’s work is possible; the ability to love others creates the possibiliy to complete acts of love and kindness.

But now I’m dead frightened, if I open up to anyone else, what if they end up trying to use me or decieve me and my faith in others faulters again? I’ve become far too fond of myself, to let that happen. I can’t have that for my faith in others has already been worn out and used up. I’m worried if it burns up again it won’t come back. The only way I can effectively help people seems to be from a distance,

These days I carry my headphones everywhere, I read, write, and draw people but ultimately tune them out; it’s being 7-years-old all over again. I like observing from a far, when I smile no one really knows the extent of the fondness that I’m feeling nor the depth in which I am thinking, and so it’s secured.

I don’t feel like anyone here really gets me, but I don’t feel like I can effectively show myself either, not yet. The best way I can express myself is through the blinking line, and when I stops I use humor as a wall again, save the intelligence need for exploration and diabolical introspect for myself.

I don’t want to let anyone in. I want to keep me to myself, this time. It’s too fragile, I’m too afraid, see it’s the pretty things that are always getting broken. I’ll lock it all away inside instead. It’s safer there, I’m happy that way.

That way,

I can breathe.

 

There must be an art to dealing with things more efficiently,

To letting things go,

To not using so many words to describe

One

Initial

Feeling:

Parting.

I love many, but give heart to few.

I want to know who you are, but am afraid to get

too close.

What I fear most, is someone believing that I care.

Silly isn’t it? Humans are so silly.

What if everything worked in reverse,

and got better instead of getting worse?

What if MORE kids went out trick or treating, like it was when WE were children?

What if Christmas became about something other than gifts?

What if people were honest with each other, hell, honest with themselves?

What if giving was of a higher regard?

What if we grew our own crops, quilted our own quilts, and bottled our own water?

What if more people started reading the newspaper again?

What if the media decided to dedicate themselves to finding out the truth?

What if the streets got cleaner, people stopped dieting, and started loving themselves and others for who they were?

What if men stopped using women for sex and women stopped using men to buy them dumb shit that they don’t really need?

What if, God forbid, being the NICE guy was more favorable than being the jerk?

What if there were less laws, less war, less global competition, less relience on the monetary system, less prejudice, less sexism, less of a gender role?

What if dead beat fathers who didn’t take enough time to raise their children properly strived to be good dads?

What if people actually worked on fixing their problems to avoid hurting others as well as themselves?

What if you, the person reading this, could actually imagine all of this, without thinking “yeah bitch, fat chance,” in your head? What if you could actually BELIEVE this was possible? If you believed this was possible, how much brighter do you think the world would look to you? To all of us?